If y'all are wondering, yes this is click bait! I can already imagine half my readers viewing this post in hopes for the secrets of unbridled and genuine happiness while the other half are here to scoff at the idea of such a thing. Just the thought of me being the one to give this all-important lesson on happiness makes me chuckle because I’ve got a long way to go folks! So, what the hell is this blog about then? Well, I thought we could talk about the idea of happiness, where we find it, where we often lose it, and the ways in which we are socially responsible to publicize it.
Believe it or not, I've been asked many times by my clients, "How can I find happiness?"Â Of course, this is a generalizable question that has been asked in a myriad of different ways from those who step into my office with the burdens of the world in their past and a constant concern about the future.
If you were in my chair, you might say, "Take more time in your social relationships; worry less about things and focus more on experiences." This is fantastic fortune cookie advice, right?  But do you want to know the real secret? None of us have the universal secret to happiness, and our own individual happiness is so personalized that, if we search too hard externally, we might be missing something fundamental from within. That is why my work, my own journey, and the journey I challenge you to embark on, is so fascinating. This challenge has only one prerequisite, and it's that you believe in your heart of hearts that you deserve to be happy.  Unfortunately, we sometimes find ourselves on an unrelenting search inward that reinforces our unhappiness, or search outward, to find that we are looking in all the wrong places. So how do we know what is real? How do we trust the happiness we experience?
1.     Slow Down
We are marinated in a culture of speed.  We scramble through our lives instead of living in the present. A good example of this is a story I like to tell of an experience I had during the summer program I worked for called Upward Bound.
The staff would have exceptionally long days with constant stimulation from student interactions, writing reports, helping with homework, and doing socio-emotional mentoring with students. Every day I felt like I was running a marathon, except every day I ran it like a sprint. After the students went to bed, the staff would come together to debrief and talk about the day and it was, cathartic vent session for all of us. Moreover, it was a time for us to slow down and be present, grateful, and connected to all the emotions that we experienced in that whirlwind of a month.
The point of this story is that we often forget to identify our emotions, appreciate our accomplishments, and connect with others in times of uncertainty and doubt if we don't slow down. The alternative is burning out from the sprint and those are the people who ultimately drop out of the marathon.
2. Try self-compassion (even if it's disgustingly hard at first.)
I want to make sure I start by saying that practicing self-compassion is NOT the key to happiness, although the internet, your favorite podcast, and any motivational speaker might tell you otherwise.
Here is a dirty little secret: I don't care who you are, we all have a critical voice, and all self-compassion does is cut through those voices to remind us that we are enough. I won't lie, this shit is so hard. I tell my clients exactly that because it forces us to treat ourselves the way we would treat someone we love and that is ridiculous!  When I think of the people I love the most, all I want to do is shower them is praise, compliment their achievements, and be the compassionate voice that consoles the critical one. Does that sound like any of you? Good, because if you tried being a third as kind to yourself, this blog post would serve no purpose.
So, what does self-compassion look like? For me, it’s letting myself have time to do nothing because the critical voice tells me that if I stay stagnant, I will fail; it means telling myself it's okay to have an ice cream even though the critical alarms in my head are saying I'm over my "MyFitnessPal" calorie limit that I stopped using 3 years ago! It is okay if the critical voice is still the loudest, because the more you practice, the more automatic the forgiving voice will be to soothe you and help move you forward.
A powerful quote I wish to share with you that changed my life is from the amazing Psychologist Kristen Neff who said, "I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren't more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line." How true and how maddening is that? Our natural defense against giving ourselves what we need to embrace our truest self is the fear of self-indulgence. When I stumbled on that quote, I laughed but it could not be truer, so here is my last "tip".
3. TREAT YO’SELF
For my Parks and Rec fans out there! Now let me explain, this does not mean go out and buy yourself some fine leather goods whenever you feel that critical voice coming on. I mean use self-compassion in a way that not only serves you, but is in service to others. Happiness doesn't need to be luxurious, selfish, or selfless for that matter. Society gives us the impression that to be perceived as happy, we must let everyone else know, and TRUST ME, I have fallen into that trap plenty of times and I was never at my happiest.
I have clients that love to paint but have neglected their god given talent to focus on others, their work, or have lost the interest. I have clients that love to swim, but don't feel like finding the nearest pool or may not know if they have the time. I have clients who love to read, but don't allow themselves the time because their critical voice has demanded they spend all their extra time studying or training. We actively push away happiness and call it sacrifice!!! How can we be our best selves in all facets of our lives if we can't give to ourselves and in return give to others?
In conclusion, I am not perfect. In fact, at times I can be the biggest hypocrite ever when it comes to this stuff. Through it all, I self-monitor, I slow down, and I try my best to be as kind as possible to myself, but that is my journey. What's yours?