Hello everyone. Before getting to the main subject today, I want to make it clear that the metaphors used in this post are intentional for the purposes of cloaking the harsh realities of physical, psychological, and emotional abuse that are extremely prevalent in co-dependent relationships. You will see from my writing this week that I have taken on the voice of the empathizer. With that said, there is just as much importance in uncovering the voice of the other side. I use the word "other" to vaguely describe what many who read this will assume to be the addict, the abuser, the narcissist, or the controller. Those are just a few that may come up when asked to imagine what I will call, for the purposes of this post, the "leader in the dance". With that said, I hope you enjoy this piece and I urge my readers to comment below and share insight, feedback, and questions. Thank you!
Think of the unhappiest couple you've ever met. (Hopefully you're not a part of this duo.) You may wonder why they are still together; we are all willing participants in our own partnerships right? Well, it’s a little more nuanced than that. The definition I've been taught for codependency is when two people with dysfunctional personality traits become worse together. Personally, I think that definition is downright insulting and I hope you do too. According to that definition we have to be dysfunctional to be codependent, when in reality, many of those unhappy couples you are thinking about are not the products of dysfunction, but instead are bound by one another's needs. If we need the other person to serve something inside of us that isn't whole the thought of losing them is terrifying, no matter the cost of staying in that situation. You can imagine where this gets messy. Let me add one more wrinkle: what if one or both parties involved believe they deserve to be mistreated?
Now that I've given you plenty to think about, let’s talk about the ways in which my profession classifies and focuses on these relationships as we see them. First, we wonder about the control, the nurturing habits, and the unconditional maintenance of relationships with those who may never reciprocate; think about the alcoholic husband and enabling wife (or vis versa). We've all held our silent judgments about the one who bares the responsibility of the other’s dysfunction when, in all actuallity, both parties share the responsibility for the unhealthy behavior. The metaphor I use most often with my clients is that of a well-choreographed dance. Dance partners with oppositely matched needs participate in a dramatic, roller coaster-like relationship that continues despite one side's unhappiness or desire for the dance to stop. As the dance gets more dramatic, so does the rhythm in which the two dancers sync together, no matter the misery each new movement may cause, until finally, one dancer has been swept off the dance floor with nothing left to give to the dancer controlling the rhythm. Unfortunately, this dance is often confusing because our worth and wellbeing has been shackled to the dance floor; without it, we risk falling flat, unsure of who we are if not dancing for someone else. Herein lies the co-dependent's biggest fear: “Who am I without the other?”
In my work, we find out what is so appealing about entering the dance without ever wondering why it began. We also venture to wonder if this is the first, or one of many previous dance partners. Most importantly, we prioritize safety, because after the pain is gone, whether it be physical or emotional, we are left with an individual who may not remember what life is like without adhering to, and being punished by, the demands of their dance partner.
Before ending, I want to ask again if you've all thought of that unhappy couple? If you have, reading this blog may have ignited a flame inside you to do everything you can to pull someone off the dance floor. Maybe you've tried already but have been met with push back, disdain, and rage. To that, I'd warn that the most insidious characteristics of the dance is the hypnotic way in which it deludes both dancers. While trapped in the dance, both parties are terrified of anyone breaking their rhythm because their movements depend on one another to serve the need that they fail to receive from the outside world. So, to all of you who are ready to "SAVE", I would instead challenge you to listen.
Finally, when I first started working in the field of addiction, a field filled with dancers, my first lesson was to always leave the door open for those who are used to having it either shut in their face, or opened just to be dragged in; to be dependent is to be without choices. Fortunately, there is a quote I always look to for guidance in my work and with those who may be reading and are stuck in the dance:
"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Sharon Salzberg
Thank you for reading and please make sure to like and share the Facebook page for this blog at: https://www.facebook.com/thehumanexperience2/
Sincerely,
Cody Gauthier